Category Archives: B-movies

MOVIE REVIEW: NINJA HUNTER

Standard

Ninja

 Things we learned:

1) Eyebrows!

2) Ninjas whose special power is to just turn into large rugs (not kidding) are absolutely USELESS.

3) “Your slappings arouse me!”

4) Telekinetic “strip” scenes are just … awkward.

5) Training montages we’ve seen.  Training index fingers to perfect the “finger jab” technique by poking clay pots and watermelons?  Now, we have.

6) “Shut-up, egg-head!”

MOVIE IN A SENTENCE OR LESS:  We really have to stop certain friends from picking what movies we watch.

CHUPACABRAS VS. THE ALAMO

Standard

chupacabra

What We Learned:

1. You really can find just about anything on an 8-pack of horror movies

2. This is actually a movie.  It wasn’t a joke after all.

3. It is possible to fit every cop movie trope EVER into a single movie … into a single character.

4. When facing off with chupacabras, always remember to wear your sports cup.  Trust us on this one.

5. Chupacabras are inexplicably drawn to crotches.  (see number 4)

6.  Secret passagse are impossible to find … until the main character needs to find it.  Even when that secret passageway leads out into the main parking lot and is complete with a cellar door type opening.  Seriously, no one EVER noticed that???

7. Wow, the Taco Bell Chihuahua has really let itself go.

MOVIE IN A SENTENCE OR LESS:  When rabies ravages San Antonio’s chupacabra population, it takes Erik Estrada to save the world … and burn down a historical landmark.

BEST WORD OF THE EVENING:  Chupacalypse

Click HERE for the trailer.

MOVIE REVIEW: UNDEAD

Standard

A movie that kept us asking–“Exactly WHAT are we watching???”
Undead

What we learned:

1) Every boy named Marion turns out to be a bad@$$.

2) This movie may contain some of the most awesome action sequences involving zombie fish EVER to make it to the big screen.

3) The “Weather Girls” had it wrong.  It isn’t just raining men … IT’S RAINING AUSTRALIANS!

MOVIE IN A SENTENCE OR LESS:   It is true … everything in Austrailia really is out to kill you.

MOVIE REVIEW: ZETA-One–The Love Factor

Standard

MV5BMTg1MjI3NTM3NV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwMzIwNDYyMQ@@._V1_SY317_CR5,0,214,317_AL_

It took us a while to recover from this one in order to write a review.

This movie taught us that anything is possible.

What we learned:

1) It is possible to make a movie without a protagonist.  Well, there may have been one.  If it is who we’re thinking then it’s possible to write a movie where the protagonist misses all major fight scenes and about 95% of the movie.

2) It is possible to make a wardrobe for all the female characters in a movie by using only pasties and drapery cords.

3) It is possible to make a movie that leaves you wondering:  Was there actually a villain?

4) It’s possible that people from Britain have no idea how to play strip poker.

5) It’s possible to make a movie where the most developed and loved character is actually the talking elevator.

6)  It is possible to make a movie about a race of topless female aliens stealing women from Earth and kung fu fighting men with sonic karate chops that is SO boring that the audience sleeps through most of it.

7)  For once, you can sit through a movie and think, “Wow, Barbarella did this so much better.”

MOVIE IN A SENTENCE OR LESS:   The longest three hours of your life that you will NEVER get back … wait, that thing was only an hour and a half … !@#$@!#$!

MOVIE REVIEW: JESUS CHRIST VAMPIRE HUNTER

Standard

JesusVHunter

What we learned:
1. Science works differently in Canada.
2. One must learn how to properly grip their wood.
3. Always check the trunk for vampire lesbian wrestlers
4. Beware of Rasputins lingering in bushes (I believe there’s a spray for that)
5. Exactly how many atheists can fit in one jeep (about 30)
6. “It’s all good. It’s all right …”
7. So … if grafting skin from lesbians makes vampires immune to sunlight, what do you graft on to them to make them sparkle?
8. Addidas … the official shoe of walking on water.
9. When a blow-up doll is your stunt double, well, it just isn’t a good sign.

MOVIE IN A SENTENCE OR LESS: Who cares what the movie’s about … with a title like that, how can you NOT watch it?

MOVIE REVIEW: COCKNEYS VS. ZOMBIES

Standard

CvsZ

Things we learned:
1. The double decker bus is the official transportation of zombie apocalypses.
2. There’s a place for everyone in the zombie apocalypse … even total idiots.
3. In case of the end of the world, find a senior citizen … and hide behind them.

MOVIE IN A SENTENCE: Don’t mess with anyone over the age of 65, especially if they are British … and have automatic weapons.

B-MOVIES

Standard

My B-movie thought for the day: There are WAY too many killer appliance movies out there.

Trust me. SHUDDER. I’ve seen most of them. After the last one … (there were tentacles) … I’m still looking at my refrigerator a little funny.

MOVIE REVIEW: NUN OF THAT

Standard

Yet again we prove that there isn’t anything our b-movie group won’t watch. However, after this one, I think one of our members has been permanently traumatized. He was in a fetal position for most of it.

MV5BMTI4NjE4NzkxNF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwNzk1Mjk5Mg@@._V1_SY317_CR12,0,214,317_AL_

Things we learned:
1) Matching your eyeshadow to your lip hair is an important part of fashion   Things we learned:
2) Instead of rulers, the Vatican is now handing out machine guns to nuns
3)There is line-dancing in heaven (we always thought it would be in the “other” place
4) There is no end to nun puns … and “porn” mustaches
5) What’s a little good-natured blasphemy among friends?
6) Apparently Jesus moonlights as a lounge singer in his spare time
7) Stripper nun!

MOVIE IN A SENTENCE OR LESS:  It really is possible to insult every major religion in 100 minutes or less.