Tag Archives: B-movies

I’m Baaaaaack!

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I’ve been gone for a while, but now I’m back.  I’ve had a lot going on.  But I’d also like to open the blog up for book reviews, Indie authors, and more.

Drop me a line and tell me what you’d like to see!

MOVIE REVIEW: NINJA HUNTER

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Ninja

 Things we learned:

1) Eyebrows!

2) Ninjas whose special power is to just turn into large rugs (not kidding) are absolutely USELESS.

3) “Your slappings arouse me!”

4) Telekinetic “strip” scenes are just … awkward.

5) Training montages we’ve seen.  Training index fingers to perfect the “finger jab” technique by poking clay pots and watermelons?  Now, we have.

6) “Shut-up, egg-head!”

MOVIE IN A SENTENCE OR LESS:  We really have to stop certain friends from picking what movies we watch.

CHUPACABRAS VS. THE ALAMO

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chupacabra

What We Learned:

1. You really can find just about anything on an 8-pack of horror movies

2. This is actually a movie.  It wasn’t a joke after all.

3. It is possible to fit every cop movie trope EVER into a single movie … into a single character.

4. When facing off with chupacabras, always remember to wear your sports cup.  Trust us on this one.

5. Chupacabras are inexplicably drawn to crotches.  (see number 4)

6.  Secret passagse are impossible to find … until the main character needs to find it.  Even when that secret passageway leads out into the main parking lot and is complete with a cellar door type opening.  Seriously, no one EVER noticed that???

7. Wow, the Taco Bell Chihuahua has really let itself go.

MOVIE IN A SENTENCE OR LESS:  When rabies ravages San Antonio’s chupacabra population, it takes Erik Estrada to save the world … and burn down a historical landmark.

BEST WORD OF THE EVENING:  Chupacalypse

Click HERE for the trailer.

MOVIE REVIEW: UNDEAD

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A movie that kept us asking–“Exactly WHAT are we watching???”
Undead

What we learned:

1) Every boy named Marion turns out to be a bad@$$.

2) This movie may contain some of the most awesome action sequences involving zombie fish EVER to make it to the big screen.

3) The “Weather Girls” had it wrong.  It isn’t just raining men … IT’S RAINING AUSTRALIANS!

MOVIE IN A SENTENCE OR LESS:   It is true … everything in Austrailia really is out to kill you.

MOVIE REVIEW: JESUS CHRIST VAMPIRE HUNTER

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JesusVHunter

What we learned:
1. Science works differently in Canada.
2. One must learn how to properly grip their wood.
3. Always check the trunk for vampire lesbian wrestlers
4. Beware of Rasputins lingering in bushes (I believe there’s a spray for that)
5. Exactly how many atheists can fit in one jeep (about 30)
6. “It’s all good. It’s all right …”
7. So … if grafting skin from lesbians makes vampires immune to sunlight, what do you graft on to them to make them sparkle?
8. Addidas … the official shoe of walking on water.
9. When a blow-up doll is your stunt double, well, it just isn’t a good sign.

MOVIE IN A SENTENCE OR LESS: Who cares what the movie’s about … with a title like that, how can you NOT watch it?

MOVIE REVIEW: COCKNEYS VS. ZOMBIES

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CvsZ

Things we learned:
1. The double decker bus is the official transportation of zombie apocalypses.
2. There’s a place for everyone in the zombie apocalypse … even total idiots.
3. In case of the end of the world, find a senior citizen … and hide behind them.

MOVIE IN A SENTENCE: Don’t mess with anyone over the age of 65, especially if they are British … and have automatic weapons.

B-MOVIES

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My B-movie thought for the day: There are WAY too many killer appliance movies out there.

Trust me. SHUDDER. I’ve seen most of them. After the last one … (there were tentacles) … I’m still looking at my refrigerator a little funny.

MOVIE REVIEW: NUN OF THAT

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Yet again we prove that there isn’t anything our b-movie group won’t watch. However, after this one, I think one of our members has been permanently traumatized. He was in a fetal position for most of it.

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Things we learned:
1) Matching your eyeshadow to your lip hair is an important part of fashion   Things we learned:
2) Instead of rulers, the Vatican is now handing out machine guns to nuns
3)There is line-dancing in heaven (we always thought it would be in the “other” place
4) There is no end to nun puns … and “porn” mustaches
5) What’s a little good-natured blasphemy among friends?
6) Apparently Jesus moonlights as a lounge singer in his spare time
7) Stripper nun!

MOVIE IN A SENTENCE OR LESS:  It really is possible to insult every major religion in 100 minutes or less.